We talk about our professional lives and our personal lives as if they can be separated. The truth is you have one life to live. The balance between work and life is a reflection of the balance within yourself. Life/work balance is a barometer for well being: personal well being, family well being and community well being. This essay is not a prescription for how you should live your life. It is simply a compilation of some of the tools I have used to continually address the issue of life/work balance in my own life. May you find some blessing by reading it.
Simplify Your Life
Finding a way to live the simple life is one of life's supreme complications.
T.S. Eliot
Whenever I feel that my life and work are out of balance, I take a look at what I can simplify. I believe this step is necessary for all of us. The sheer complexity of our lives causes internal distress and can wreak havoc on our bodies. Our hearts get overstimulated, our immune systems become suppressed, hormonal output becomes unbalanced, and our reproductive systems no longer function normally. But because we are addicted to complexity, we can't find a way out. I know. I've been there, and I've spent the past ten years consciously finding ways to simplify my life. In the third year of life simplification, I became acutely aware of the positive impact this plan was having on my health and my ability to manage life/work balance.
Poverty is involuntary and debilitating, whereas simplicity is voluntary and enabling.
Duane Elgin
How much do we need?
Sometimes life simplification requires a paradigm shift. Have you ever seen the house where your parents grew up in and asked: How did you survive with that tiny bathroom? Where are the closets? How could five kids share two bedrooms? What your parents might have called luxuries, you're probably calling necessities: walk-in closets, master bathroom suites, separate bedrooms, a phone in every room, cellular phones, home computers, televisions, and VCRs. And that doesn't include the recent onslaught of other must-have gadgets such as espresso and cappuccino machines, bread makers, faxes, and digital satellite television.
One reason for our inability to achieve simplicity is that we clutter our lives with far more things than we actually need. As Will Rogers once said, “We buy these things we don't need, with money we don't have, to impress people we don't even like!” This means that much of our leisure time is spent taking care of or paying for things we really didn't want in the first place. The problem is we've been doing it so long, we don't realize that something is amiss.
One of the best ways to break the spell of over-consumption and over-complexity is to visit less-developed countries. In 1994 I spent a month in the rain forest of Costa Rica to learn local herbal medicine from a group of women. I stayed in a two-room hut with a family of seven and shared a double bed (the only bed in the hut) with two teen-aged girls.
One afternoon, as I was weeding the herb garden, the younger of the two girls stepped off of the school bus and came running over to ask me a question. “Is it true,” she asked, “that people in your country eat pineapple out of a can?” “Yes,” I said. “Well, I never want to go there!” she responded. And if you've ever tasted freshly harvested pineapple, you'll understand why.
On another occasion, as we lay in bed before falling asleep, the oldest girl asked, “Is it true that the women in your country have to work so hard that they give their children to strangers to take care of during the day?” I didn't know how to respond. First of all, the women in my country don't work any harder than the women of this village -- who begin work at 5 o'clock in the morning and engage in hard physical labor outdoors until the sun sets, and then work indoors until 9 or 10 o'clock night.
Secondly, I realized that I had been feeling sorry for these girls for not having the opportunities I have had while they have been feeling sorry for me! Now, as a working mom, I am reminded of these questions often and constantly re-engineer my work to be able to spend quality time with my children and husband. And when I grab a quick lunch at the airport, I am reminded of the fresh pineapple, papaya, bananas, and mango of the rain forest and wonder what I can do to bring those simple pleasures into my busy, modern life.
Action Step:
Life simplification is a personal choice and an ongoing process. To begin, examine all areas of your life and determine five areas that can be simplified. Then do them!
Examples:
Let your bed go unmade or your kids go un-bathed every now and then.
Drop membership on a committee.
Eat simpler foods.
Plant ground cover that requires little maintenance.
Keep things longer (cars, clothes, home décor, etc.)
Clear out the clutter.
Don't watch TV.
Breathe!
Whenever my life and work are out of balance, I notice I can barely take a deep breath. (Please note that the only way you will notice this is if you pay attention. I have learned how to be aware of my body by taking Nia and Yoga classes.) We have a hard time breathing when we are stressed for a number of reasons. One reason is that holding the breath is the best way to suppress emotions. And whenever your life is out of balance, you will certainly have many emotions. Have you ever noticed that when you are trying not to laugh aloud in church or trying not to cry in front of a coworker, you hold your breath? Another reason we have a hard time breathing is that shallow chest breathing is a physical response to stress. Add to that the cultural imperative for women to have a flat abdomen, and you have the perfect recipe for creating a society of shallow “chest breathers,” rather than healthy “abdominal breathers.”
Try this exercise:
1) Sit comfortably with your spine elongated.
2) Place one hand on your abdomen below your navel and the other hand on your chest.
3) Now take in a full, deep breath and pay attention to which hand moves first -- chest hand or belly hand.
If the hand on your chest moved first, you are breathing like the majority of women in our society. This breath is performed by expanding and lifting the rib cage, which only fills the upper and middle portions of the lungs. This is approximately about 1/7 of your lung's capacity -- not much. Chest breathing is also called “stress” breathing.
If the hand on your abdomen moved first, you are using the diaphragm to help bring air into the lower lobes of the lungs. This is so important because there is more blood available for oxygen exchange in the lower parts of the lungs.
During inhalation, as the diaphragm contracts and flattens out, the lower rib cage expands and the abdomen protrudes. During exhalation, the contracted diaphragm relaxes into its dome-shaped parachute position. To completely expel the breath from the lower lobes, the abdominal muscles have to engage to squeeze out the residual air (which makes breathing a wonderful abdominal muscle toning activity when done correctly).
For a deeply relaxing breath, the goal is to breathe so that the abdomen expands first and, as the air rises, the chest fills and then the collarbones rise. When we breathe like this, we get superb oxygen exchange, our hearts don't have to work overtime, our blood pressure tends to lower, and we are able to experience and express our emotions.
Action Step:
Choose a way to remind yourself to breathe deeply during the day.
Examples:
Set your watch to beep every hour. Each hour take three deep breaths.
Every time the train, car, or subway makes a stop, take three deep breaths.
While waiting for someone to answer the phone, take deep breaths.
Add positive affirmations to your breathing such as one suggested by Thich Nhat Hanh: “Breathing in I calm my body. Breathing out I smile.”
Calm Your Mind
”Meditation is not an evasion, it is a serene encounter with reality.”
Thich Nhat Hanh
”Meditation is the calming of the mind so we can listen to God instead of the babbling that goes on in our heads all day.”
Sister Mary McGehee
You've already read how important I believe it is important to simplify your life -- and once you begin a meditation practice, it will become even clearer to you. If you are like most women, your mind operates much like a computer system. You have multiple applications operating at the same time, and with a click of the mouse you can switch from one application to another. That's why you are able to give a marketing presentation, while suddenly remembering that you need to buy your best friend a birthday gift and plan what you are going to wear for dinner that night. Or you can make dinner while talking on the phone, watch the baby, and call out spelling words for your ten-year old -- and never miss a beat! Unfortunately, this gift of “multitasking” can become a curse when we can't figure out how to stop the chaos in our minds and calm down.
Meditation Methods
There are many methods of meditation. When you search the medical literature, most of the studies use Transcendental Meditation. However, tests at the Thorndike Memorial Laboratory of Harvard show that a similar technique used with any sound, phrase, prayer, or mantra brings forth the same physiologic changes noted during Transcendental Meditation: decreased oxygen consumption, decreased carbon-dioxide elimination, and decreased rate of breathing.
Meditation begins with concentration -- trying to focus your mind on any one point. It is important to note that there are many ways to meditate, and many choices for focal points. I often say to my beginning students that there are as many ways to meditate as there are people. You can learn meditations methods from books, tapes, or classes. Just do it!
Action Step:
Choose a way to calm and focus your mind and commit to practicing this at least once a day for at least five minutes.
Examples:
Focus on a word, phrase, or image. Whenever your mind wanders, return your mind to your chosen focus.
Use commute time on a bus, train, or subway to practice your meditation. Practice mindfulness when you shower, wash dishes, or get dressed. Use time spent doing routine chores to focus your mind on the present moment.
Begin the day by visualizing positive outcomes for your day. Before you get out of bed, sit up and spend five minutes in meditation.
End each day by giving gratitude. Before going to sleep, spend five minutes breathing deeply, relaxing your body and releasing thoughts from the day.
Know Your Purpose
The fourth thing I do to help me keep my life and work in balance is to continually ask myself if what I am doing is in alignment with my purpose. From a Steven Covey lecture I attended in 1992, I still have the outline from A. Roger Merrill’s book Connections: Quadrant II Time Management on how to create a mission statement. In the past I have used this as a map for creating a mission statement. The process is:
Identify a few people who have been very influential in your life. Then list the qualities you most admire in these people.
Define what you want to be, to do, and to have.
Define your life roles (e.g.: mother, manager, sister, daughter, lover, friend, and so on). Then write a brief statement of how you would most like to be described in that particular role.
Having clearly identified the previous items, draft a mission statement.
Regularly update your mission statement.
For many years I used this process as a way to help me remember my purpose and a way for me to judge whether something (like a relationship, a job, or a purchase, etc.) was in alignment with my purpose or not.
Although this is a great way to determine your mission, I now prefer a body-centered approach to knowing my mission and whether or not I am in alignment with my purpose. I use a process called Phoenix Rising Yoga Therapy to do this. In it, a practitioner (or in my case, I can do it for myself) holds you in certain yoga positions and facilitates a conversation between you and your body. This process cuts out endless loops of analytical thought, questioning, and self-doubt. It allows your true self to speak to you. Because it is a complex process, I recommend that you find a Phoenix Rising Yoga practitioner in your area and receive a session.
Action Step:
Using either the analytical approach or the body-centered approach, ask yourself the questions: “What is my purpose on earth?” “What are my talents and gifts?” Then ask yourself if all areas of your life are in line with your purpose and utilizing whether you are using your gifts and talents.
A Daily Practice
In a culture where workaholics are admired, it is very easy for your life and work to get out of balance. That is why I make it a daily practice to breathe deeply, calm my mind, simplify what I can, and then check in with myself to see if how I am living aligns with my purpose for being here. Even with these practices, I still find myself out of balance -- but I don't stay that way as long or go as far away from center as I used to before I had these practices. I hope they help you as much as they have helped me!
