We sat on the grass in front of the high school, munching on sandwiches, grapes and chocolate chip cookies, chatting about school, hobbies, friends, interests, plans for the future. Jeremy was a pleasure to talk to. For a fifteen year old boy, about to be a sophomore, he was exceptionally aware, bright and analytical, surprisingly conscious of his feelings.

Jeremy was also perplexed, however, about why he had used pot with some of his friends recently. He had gotten caught, too, so he was feeling a good dose of embarrassment, even shame. Well, he is an AP (Advanced Placement) student with excellent grades and comes from a very attentive and supportive family. He volunteers in the community. He knows he has had the best of everything, and appreciates it, too.

I made no judgments of him and placed no blame, just listened and prompted him to think back, back to the past year when he started to hang with certain friends and how he had been feeling about home, his sister, his parents. As he thought it over, an "ah-ha" flickered across his face. In the past year and half, his parents had had to devote the majority of their time and attention on his older sister who had been struck by twelve months of illness. In and out of the hospital, to and from doctors, he made every attempt to be helpful and thoughtful of the strain on his parents and the fear he knew his sister had been going through.

But then there was the one day in the hospital when he was watching his sister while his parents stepped out to consult the doctor. She had been anxious that day, and feeling poorly. She verbally struck out at him. She was angry about what, he didn't know, but it hurt. And his eyes began to well up with tears. "I didn't know I had so much feeling about this," he murmured.

He felt unappreciated by her after his many months of trying to be "the good kid", not asking for much, keeping his focus on school, good grades, spending nights at friends' homes when his parents needed to be at the hospital.

And now his face pruned up as the emotion hit stronger; he winced under the flood of feelings. He had felt angry about her being the center of attention for so long. His mind told him he "shouldn't" feel that way, as he had watched her struggle with being sick. But his heart said, "I matter, too! Doesn't anybody notice ME any more?"

It was about that time that Jeremy recalled he began to seek out a new friend, Derek, the most popular guy in his class. Derek showed no interest in Jeremy, but he did talk to other guys about his periodic pot experiences. So Jeremy decided to talk to him about pot, show some interest in Derek's "hobby."

Jeremy had never drunk alcohol nor used drugs, but it sure was appealing right about then to be noticed by the most popular guy in the freshman class. Jeremy liked the way so many other peers began to notice him, too, since Derek had befriended him. Jeremy also realized that he had begun to be attracted to "bad boys" at that time because they did things he never would consider doing himself: If they got mad, they hit somebody; if they were sick of responsibilities, they smoked a joint.

Jeremy's choice began to come clear. "Do you think Derek and his friends acted out your anger for you, since you felt you weren't supposed to be angry over the attention your sister was getting?"

"Yeah, I do. And it felt good not to be such a good kid all the time, especially when it didn't seem to get me what I needed," Jeremy shared.

"And what was it you needed, Jeremy?"

"To feel loved," he said with a clarity and an honesty that is what makes teenagers so precious as well as profound.

It's that simple, folks. Even the BEST of kids have that tender, vulnerable underbelly all teens have: an ever present need to be loved, expressed as both approval and acceptance, unconditional as well as disciplined.

Jeremy had a few tears as he finally let his feelings surface. Out came the anger of the past year as well as the fear beneath it: what if he didn't really matter as much to his parents as his sister? How could he go to them and share his fear of not fitting in during his first year in a new school while his parents were afraid his sister might not live? And he feared the changes in the family; he had his own fear for his sister's life. Fear and anger, very potent forces in the life of a teenage boy or girl. Fear and anger, so frightening to admit, much less share with stressed and distracted parents.

Once Jeremy was allowed to admit the feelings without criticism, up came even earlier feelings: anger that he had stuffed for five, even ten years from early childhood. He took on the role of "the good son" very young. He remembered how he gave up retaliating at five when his older sister hit him. As the boy, he was always at fault for any physicality; it worked better just to let it slide. He learned early to silence the anger, keep quiet, and be "a good boy."

Once he acknowledged, expressed, and experienced his real feelings, the anger lost its power over him. We talked about the assumptions he made that contributed to the anger.

"Yeah, I assumed my parents didn't want me to need them anymore, that they were too busy with my sister. And I assumed they wouldn't understand I still need their love even if I am fifteen," he surmised.

Jeremy went home that afternoon ready to let his mom know he was sorry about his wrong choice, but not ashamed to need her attention and her love. I know his mom, she understood and she responded with a kind heart, open arms, and restrictions until he was sure his judgment in friends was well restored!

And to my delight, his older sister, well once again, gave him good guidance:
"When your friends are offering you pot or alcohol, tell them you want to think about it. Take five minutes; decide if you are doing it to be liked, because you feel lonely, or because you are mad at us. If you are, tell them thanks but you aren't interested and come on home. We're here for you, Jeremy!"

Neither Ozzie and Harriet or Ozzie Osborne could do any better than that!

SUSIE VANDERLIP Susie's mission is to make a self-esteem enhancing difference in the lives of teens and their families. In her programs, "Legacy of Hope"™ and De-Stress for Success,"™ Susie Vanderlip shows audiences of teens as well as their parents and teachers how to break through the denial of self-limiting and self-destructive attitudes. Her entertaining presentations are motivational theater, as Susie uses characters, dance, drama, and prevention stories.